Teen Jokes

• A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martini's and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

          " I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" said a customer. "What's so peculiar about it? " -asaked a bartender.
"His wife sent him out for a jar of olives. "

• A tourist guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had had ever come face to face with a wolf?  He replied, " Yes. I came face to face with a wolf once and as luck would have it I was alone and without a weapon."  " What did you do? "- the girl pushed on, curious. Guide- " What could I do? " First , I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came towards me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.

           "  How did you get away?  " As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage. "

• An English Professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, " The parrot  I purchased yesterday uses improper language." "I'm surprised, I never taught him to swear." - the shopkeeper. Prof, " OH! It isn't that. " explained the professor, " but yesterday I heard him split an infinitive. " 

•        A Gentleman wanders around the campus of his college looking for the library. He approaches a student and assked, " Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at? The student in a very arrogant and belittling tone replied, " I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition." The gentleman smailed and replied, " I beg you paedon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?
• I've had the most awful time.- said a boy to his friends. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosceriosis. Just as i was recovering, i got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and to top it all, tonsolitis was followed by appendectomy. Wow!! How did you pull through? - sympathized his friends. " I don't know" , boy replied. " Toughest spelling test i ever had. "

 

•          A Linguistics professor was lecturing a class the other day. "In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in Russian, double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive turns a negative. A voice from the back of the class retorted, " Yeah, right. "

• An older white haired man, walked into a jewellery store with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him.

          The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special. " At that , the jeweller went to his special stock and pulled out another ring. " Here's a one for $40,000. " the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, " We'll take it. " Jeweller asked how payment will be made and the man said by cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so i'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and i'll pick th ering on monday afternoon."
Monday morning the jeweller called the man, " Ther is no funds in your bank. " "I know" said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend i had. "

• A Kangeroo kept getting out at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence, he was out again. A 20feet fence, again he was out the next day. 30-40-100feet fence. Still he got out. A camel next to the kangeroo's cage asked, " How high do you think they'll go? " Kangeroo, " I don't know, maybe a thousand feet- unless someone locks the gate at night."
• A Panda walks into a restaurant, sits and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waitor. As he's leaving the manager shouts out, " Where do you think you're going? You just shot my waitor and you haven't paid for the sandwich." The Panda yells back, " Hey man , i'm a PANDA. Look it up in the dictionary. The manager opens his dictionary and reads the definition for panda : A tree dwelling marsupialof Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, Shouts and leaves."

GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
You can't trust dogs to watch over your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS LEARNED :

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to the tree.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for your fibre, not for the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

Its frustrating when you know all the answers but no one there to ask the questions.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

• *  A Stranger seated next to Little Johnny on the plane said,  "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. " Little Johnny who had just opened his book, closed it slowly. and said, " what would you like to talk about? , Oh! i dunno, said the stranger. "How about Nuclear Power. " Ok, said Little Johnny, "That could be a interesting topic. But let me ask you something first."

          A Horse, a cow and a deer - all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you think is that ? "
"Jeez", said the stranger. "I have no idea."
" Well , then." said Little Johnny, " How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? "

• A man was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said," If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are. " The man took the frog out and smiled and kept it back. The frog, " If you kiss me i will turn into a proncess and be yours fro a year." The man smiled again. Finally the frog asked, " What's the matter? I'm telling you i'll turn into a princess, don't you want to kiss me? The man said, "Look i'm a computer programmer. so i don;t have time for girls, but a talking frog is cool. "